Facing Forward at 50
Of course I’d heard of the much fabled midlife crisis. I certainly saw my own midlife approaching. I turned 40 with my eyes wide open and still, somehow, it wrecked me. Totally blindsided me. I was left reeling and disoriented for much of the decade. All I know for sure is that I came to around 45 sputtering and gasping for air. Lost, confused and wondering how I got here: still single watching the window closing on my dream of children. Being pushed out of another job and living with my parents.
It seemed as if I had managed to fail spectacularly at every area of life. And yet at the same time, my life had never even gotten off the ground, and now the end was within sight. Which in some strange way made it feel as if it was already over.
I mucked around in despair and depression for a couple of years before I started to crawl out of that wreckage. In some ways, I’m still pulling myself out of that as I turn 50.
My specific circumstances certainly contribute to my experience of this time of life but perhaps the specifics aren’t as important as it might seem. Though there may be little evidence for a classic midlife crisis at large, there does appear to be something universal happening during this transitional life stage. Psychological research has discovered a U-shaped curve of happiness across the lifespan bottoming out at some point in our mid-forties.
I spent a few weeks recently at the library to read up on this developmental stage of life and discovered there’s a wealth of wisdom out there. Turns out, it’s likely every generation before mine has careened into midlife and found themselves in unchartered territory. Even despite the reality that many have left guides, maps, and blazes behind to guide us. Much has been said about mid-life as our elders wrestled with their own meaning and mortality, questioning everything, including their identity, their purpose, their place and their future.
These questions are reminiscent of another life stage: adolescence. Some have considered that the toddler years are a foreshadow of adolescence. Perhaps midlife is the renaissance of adolescence. We too are grappling with changes in our bodies, shifts in our hormones. We too are experiencing changes in family structure and in our home environments as parents die and children leave the nest. We too find ourselves overshadowed by those of another generation.
Some view midlife as the peak of the lifespan. Though perhaps technically that comes earlier in terms of physical or neurological performance. This is often the time many identify as the peak in terms of career, earning, and parenting. At any rate, it does seem to be the time we can finally see beyond the face of the mountain of life before us and are able to access vistas that give us partial views the trail of life, from the beginning and, perhaps more significantly, the end. It’s from the peak that you can see the whole terrain and for the first time, the path ahead is shorter than the one behind. Maybe this is what makes it such a socioemotional sensitive period.
Midlife is a time for review
From this peak position of the lifespan, we have the ability to see life from a different angle than we have before. It allows us to locate ourselves on the map. Re-evaluate the the strategies we’ve been relying on. Re-assess where we want to land at the end of this journey. Consider if our compass is pointing true north.
Midlife is a time of reckoning
We have had enough time to begin to experience the consequences and see the outcomes of our life choices and our character. The mistakes, the flaws become glaringly obvious. The parts of ourselves we’ve neglected breakdown and fail.
This sets midlife up to be a defining period, similar to adolescence. Where the decisions we make at this juncture potentially have life-altering and long-lasting impacts for our future. Like adolescence, mid-life offers us as many opportunities as it does perils. The journey is dangerous and dynamic. Yet, even the most miserable midlife can give way to a joyous gerontology if traversed cautiously.
Opportunities of midlife
Midlife offers us a chance at renewal. A time to replace or repair the parts that have begun to wear out or to break-down, to make things new again.
Midlife is a time to reset.
Our priorities
Our goals
Maybe that means remembering and returning to the original ones. Or perhaps it will require us to choose different ones.
Midlife offers us a time to refresh. Let go of the dirt and baggage we’ve picked up along the way.
Release grudges
Forgive debts or what’s owed us
Let go of what no longer serves us
Midlife offers us a chance to reorient. Reorient to:
timeless truths and
sustaining values
Midlife offers us the opportunity to expand and broaden our reach.
Through developing neglected parts of self
Through investing in others
Midlife offers us the chance to realize our potential.
When we accept ourselves and others as we really are, we are able to express and enjoy rather than hide or deny.
Combined, these opportunities allow us to craft an enriched, meaningful life that leads to a strong finish, when midlife is approached with thoughtfulness, wisdom, effort and intentionality. With these opportunities come pitfalls that are easy to fall into and get tangled up in.
Perils of Midlife
Midlife may tempt us to give-up. To foreclose on our future too soon. To be blind to the opportunities and chances that are still available.
Midlife may trick us into demolishing our lives. Leaving us to start all over with nothing to build on and a looming hard deadline. Not recognizing the “good bones” of our lives that might provide a foundation for a more efficient process of renovation.
Midlife may taunt us into clinging to the past or our youth. Spending our time trying to look, feel, and act younger. Or perhaps trying to fit in with the younger generation. It may take the form of regret. Or maybe just constantly reminiscing about our glory days.
All of these lead to a waste of time. Two equate to forfeiting the future.
I spent a lot of my midlife so far trapped by these perils. I’ve certainly spent my fair share of time craning back. Gawking at the wreckage of my life. Looking in the rearview mirror with regrets and wishes of revisions. Retracing every turn, decision or roadblock that led me to this place. I needed to know who was at fault, where to place the blame. Was it me? Or was it God? I knew it must be one of the two of us. Either implied huge errors in all I had ever believed. The beliefs and values I had oriented my entire life on like a compass. I found myself questioning everything. Who am I? Who is in control? But perhaps most importantly, where should I bet my precious remaining time? Do I double down or change course?
Perhaps my answer to that question has been both. As I approach 50, I have decided to face forward and embrace the opportunities of midlife. To face forward means to acknowledge the future. To take ownership of my future. It means to set my destination and then chart my course. It means to rise to the occasion and go for broke. To voluntarily take on the adventure of aging. To persevere, to stay engaged.
Facing Forward at 50
I have no idea what the future holds but I know I’m holding a few hopes and a few fears. I don’t know what the future will give or what it will take but I know what I’m giving up and what I’m taking with me.
I’m giving up blame, shame and unforgiveness. I’m going to forgive myself for being flawed, for past mistakes, for wasting time and opportunities. I’m not going to hold my friends and family hostage to unforgiveness either. I don’t have room to carry it or time to get stuck in it.
I’m taking five things with me as I face forward at fifty.
Hope
Every life stage has its trials, triumphs and treasures. This is true for midlife and beyond. As I face forward:
I’ll be expecting the good that life still has for me. I’ll be anticipating it. I’ll be searching for it.
I will be looking for the good in life, I will be looking for the good in others and I will be looking for the good in me.
Faith
I’ve decided to hold firm in the belief that life is meaningful and has purpose. I’m holding on to the conviction that there is a truth outside of and greater than me. So as I face forward:
I will orient my life according to these beliefs.
I will be seeking the meaning and truth that extends beyond me and my life.
And I’m going to discover ways to create meaning with my life.
A vision
I need a vision to imagine what is possible, to inspire me, to guide me. So as I face forward:
I’m going to be looking for examples and mentors among those who have gone before me.
I’m going to be open to adventure and new challenges.
I’m going to focus on what I can do now that I couldn’t do before.
Humility
As I face forward, I’m going to swallow my pride.
I’m letting go of my desire for perfection.
I’m going to worry less about what I look like.
I’m going to worry less about what others think.
I’m going to accept my limitations and my flaws.
I’m going to refuse a sense of entitlement.
Grit
The message I’ve received from my parents’ generation is that growing old isn’t for the faint of heart. It’s difficult and it’s hard in ways I haven’t encountered before and can’t imagine. So as I face forward:
I’m going to be courageous
I resolve to the do the hard things
I will fight to keep my body moving and my mind engaged
I will fight for relationships and social connections
I will fight for my values & beliefs
On my 50th birthday, I asked my mom and siblings to gather at sunset. It was a beautiful night and later we exchanged photos. As my brother reviewed them, he remarked how amazing it was that the same place took on so many different appearances. He said, “Sunsets are so brief yet so amazing.” I immediately thought, “as are our lives.” As kitschy as it is, I’m convinced it’s true.
Have you taken a series of photos of the same place during sunset? If so, you too have likely been amazed at how different and yet how beautiful each capture, minutes apart, can look. I like to imagine that is how each of us appear as we move through the different life stages, if only we could look through the lens of the transcendent. So here at 50, I’m facing forward because I don’t want to miss the glorious display until the very end.