In Defense of …Singles

I suppose I could just as easily be writing in defense of marriage given the plummeting rates of marriages, not to mention the ever increasing delays.  According to one study, only 31% of those of us in the US are married, down from 76.5% in 1970.  Meaning the majority of the population is  unmarried. And yet, not being married is not the same as being single. 

When we divide the population between those who are partnered, which includes those who are married, living with a partner or in a committed romantic relationship, and those who are not, the decline is not so drastic.  The Pew Research Center reports that 7 in 10 US adults are partnered, leaving 30% of us uncoupled.  This means being in a committed romantic partnership is still the social norm.  These statistics of course change over the course of the lifespan and there is significant variation based on gender and race which you can see in the attached bar chart pulled from the Pew Research Center website.

However, even given these variations, with very few exceptions, the standard is to be in a committed romantic partnership.  Particularly if you’re a find 30-49 year-old where the singleness drops to a low of 21% of the population. So when folks land somewhere in their 30s uncoupled, they may also land on a therapy couch somewhere in crisis mode. 

The crisis, as it appears to me, seems to be more one of esteem and identity versus that of relationship status.  Because they turn on themselves and assault their characters they wrestle with the familiar question, “What is wrong with me?”

Perhaps this isn’t surprising, given the human tendency to fear, in the deep and hidden crevices of our being, that we are to blame.  At the same time, I imagine this tendency is only exacerbated when immersed in a culture who views singles critically, at least historically. 

According to The Society for Personality & Social Psychology, "...married people are often described as mature, stable, kind, and happy, while unmarried people are described as immature, insecure, self-centered, and unhappy.”  Research has also indicated that others tend to view singles’ character flaws as responsible for their relational status.  Dr. Yuthika Girme, Director at the Secure Lab, which studies the experiences of singles, indicates that her research links the unhappiness of single people, at least in part, to how they are treated by family, friends and society. 

The emerging research suggests that it is possible to live happy, thriving and fulfilling lives as a single person.  Further, singles often benefit their friends, families and communities in unique ways.  While their coupled counterparts tend to turn inward towards each other losing or loosening social ties over time, singles often engage in the relational work that build community and bind families. They often provide respite for parents, positive role modeling and supplemental socio-emotional support to children as well as essential care to elderly family members.  Singles have the flexibility and resources to volunteer, engage in local politics, get involved in community organizations, and economically support local restaurants and entertainment venues.

For those who want to be partnered, which, by the way, is about a third of the single population, finding yourself single can certainly be a source of distress.  Learning to navigate that challenge is certainly worthy of seeking out the help of a therapist.  Particularly if you find yourself consumed with loneliness.  Which is not a “Singles” problem, it’s a human problem. 

Being coupled does not inoculate you from loneliness, which is perhaps something we need to acknowledge more often.  The one thing we know for sure is that loneliness kills.  If you are struggling with chronic loneliness, developing meaningful social connections is worth it.  Do something today.  Not sure what to do?  Check out this month’s Mental Health Minute for Loneliness or better yet, reach out to a  therapist.

Single Delights

Flexibility to be open to things that come your way

Health: more control over food & more time for exercise

Engage enriching hobbies

Develop self-sufficiency

Avoid relational conflict

Diverse social connections

Sole decision-maker on use of time & money

Solitude

If you’re suffering, seek help.

Talk to a doctor.

Reach out to a therapist.

If you feel suicidal call 988 or text 41741